To Whom It May Not Concern:
Popcorn is RUDE.
It is basically styrofoam covered in butter and salt. (Cover it with caramel though and it changes my feelings on the matter entirely, but I digress.)
At the movies, it costs around, I dunno, $500 or so for a medium popcorn and bevy. When I get it I think, “I just paid to pick kernels of corn out of my (giant) teeth from here to eternity.” ( Then I think, “Why are kernel and colonel pronounced the same?”) Then, I realize maybe I should have my dentist’s number in my “favorites” on my phone.
It hits me.
The root of evil here is genetically engineered corn. High fructose corn syrup. Popcorn. This is why America is obese. That and our total lack of self-control, but let’s stay focused here. Corn. Corn is the enemy.
I am convinced that the corn farmers are in cahoots with the dental association. As popcorn sales rise, the dental floss sales soar right along with them. I may have inadvertently uncovered a conspiracy when I should in fact be paying attention to the movie that I basically just gave up a kidney to pay for.
The theater I like to frequent started selling popcorn “flavors” to sprinkle over it. Nice try, popcorn, and well played, movie theater.