Leave It To The Bieber

Today's post is by my friend, Cathy LaGrow. Published author. Mother. Beast.

Recently, I sent out a Facebook message: Did anyone have any suggestions for a great, gritty movie that the hubs and I could watch after we put the boys to bed? Hubby had had a rough week, you see, and sometimes we like to relieve stress by watching other people blow things up.

Several people recommended Inglorious Basterds, but when I went to Redbox that night, they didn’t have the Basterds movie. So, casting about for something similar, I selected Never Say Never, the Justin Bieber bio-pic.

Turns out, it isn’t similar at all. But I enjoyed it very much.

The next morning, while putting on makeup, I started wondering, because my brain will not stop jabbering for even a nanosecond: All this attention and adulation and hype – is The Bieber really so superior to me? I mean, how would we stack up, in a head to head contest?

So I started making a list.

CHARM
 
Have you watched the movie? ‘Cause I’m telling you right now, dude could charm the Old Testament right out of the Bible. It beats all I’ve ever seen.  He smiles. He grabs and hugs. He freakin’ bounces, like Tigger, which sounds like it would be incredibly annoying; and with anyone else it would be, but The Bieber can get away with it.

Me? I don’t believe the adjective “charming” has ever been used to describe me. Not once in my life. Ever. Because some things just don’t apply.

Advantage: Justin

CONFIDENCE

Here’s an example: The first time The Bieber saw Usher, outside a recording studio, he bounded right up to him and asked him if he (Bieber) could sing one of Usher’s songs to him.
Another example: The Bieber also announced, when he was about 10 minutes into his career, that he would headline at Madison Square Garden in one year. Which he did.

Can I tell you right now, if I saw even a minor celebrity out in the wild, I would not be making requests of them. I would pull a paper bag over my head and dart in the other direction. Also, forget a one-year plan: I cannot tell you with any assurance that I will get around to washing my hair tomorrow.

Advantage: Justin

FOCUS

The Bieber has known he was going to be a pop star from the time he was a baby drooling into his rice cereal, and every purple-sneakered step he’s taken has only moved him closer to his goal.

On the other hand I, post-babies, tend to zing around from one activity to another, like a chipmunk who has ingested her body weight in illegal substances.

She’s reading…she’s writing…now she’s fetching a glass of water…she’s going to the bathroom…she is now shuffling the stack of bills on the table…she’s shoving toys under the couch…she’s checking messages…she is cleaning the blinds…now she’s reading but I think it’s a different book – Dick, do you have a good angle on that? I think it’s a different title this time…

It’s exhausting.

Advantage: Justin

DANCING SKILLZ

Oh dear – this one’s not even close. The Bieber “brings it” to the dance floor so skillfully and effortlessly, he looks like the love child of Michael Jackson and Tina Turner. (Which is a visual that none of us need in our head, and I do apologize.)

Whereas I grew up in an evangelical environment where dancing was considered to be the eighth deadly sin. I never had a chance to develop any moves and by the time I was grown, it was too late. My five-year-old beats me at “Just Dance.” Every time.

Advantage: Justin

COOKING

Never Say Never is pretty exhaustive – the cameras follow The Bieber everywhere for weeks. Yet not once do they show him preparing food of any sort.

I, on the other hand, have turned into a frickin’ good cook and baker over the years. I’d like to see The Bieber try to take on my chicken pot pie, or my lemon white-chocolate cheesecake, or my cranberry-orange scones.

Go ahead, Justin. I’m waiting.
 
Advantage: Cathy. As far as I know.

For about a minute and a half after I made this list, I thought about doing a little WWJBD experiment – trying to improve myself in each of the Justin-dominated categories. I could do a series of posts (I thought). I could go to MacDonald’s and work on my charm. I could go to a concert at the Commons and practice my dancing.

But just the idea of attempting this experiment made me want to lie down with a cold compress. I love you peeps dearly. But not that much.

So all we have is this list of things where (mostly) The Bieber can clean my clock. Which might make me feel bad, if I had the energy to feel bad, which I don’t, because that’s one more area where The Bieber’s got me beat: Energy.

Leave it to The Bieber to make all of us 40-year-old housewives look bad.

You can follow Cathy on twitter @cathylynnl and visit her blog windowsandpaperwalls.wordpress.com.

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24 Comments Add yours

  1. Tara R says:

    Oh, yes, that’s me: “like a chipmunk who has ingested her body weight in illegal substances.” Love it! Although this 42 y.o. housewife (aack! who wrote that!?) FEELS like quite the hottie in my Zumba class, I think Justin has the advantage over me in the real world too. More ways you and I probably have the advantage: finding stuff – can he do that? If he possesses the Y chromosome, I’m guessing not. Identifying the need by the child’s cry – is it fake? Angry? Truly bleeding? Shopping for deals – JB has gotten flabby in this area from a plentitude of resources, whereas I have the “opportunity” to keep this skill honed all the time.
    See, we got mad skillz! Thanks for the laugh.

    1. Jenny Lind says:

      Thanks for reading today! Cathy is a trip, huh?! I love this woman.

    2. Well…after the fact, I started thinking of all sorts of (strange) categories where I might excel! So perhaps the contest would NOT be so lopsided…. 🙂

  2. robin lagrow says:

    I love love love this!!

    1. Jenny Lind says:

      Thanks for stopping by and reading….though you are obligated by relation. JK!

    2. Robin is my #1 fan forevs. Love her.

  3. karen says:

    I would like to come over and try your lemon white chocolate cheesecake before I can make a decision 🙂

    1. Jenny Lind says:

      HAHAHA! I think I just got chubby reading those words “lemon white chocolate cheesecake”.

    2. It’s pretty darn good. I’m making it next weekend for a family function!

  4. huh? who’s Justin Bieber?

    😀

    1. Jenny Lind says:

      Come out from under the rock which you are residing and find out.

      Google it. 😉

    2. As if you don’t know. You probs have his poster on your wall…

  5. What is Jenny-Jen doing to you? Putting flowers in your hair? Writing about Justin Bieber?

    I LOVE IT! 🙂

    1. Jenny Lind says:

      “Jenny-Jen”? Fo realz? Back the train up, Alicea. Nicknames must go through a strict approval process. There’s a lot of red tape involved.

      I am Cath’s token shallow friend. I am ok with this.

    2. T gets a free hall pass when it comes to red-tape. Because he is the bomb-shizzle. And also because he likes my stuff.

      1. Jenny Lind says:

        FINE! He is the best! There. Said it. Let’s commence plans to wedding-crash.

  6. karenzach says:

    I at least want the recipe for the cheesecake, whether or not I ever make it.

    1. Just posted it to your FB page. 🙂

  7. Lori says:

    Awwww….you are totally selling yourself short! There weren’t enough categories for a fair competition. I doubt highly that JB could even compete in “Parenting.” And how about “Worship”? I don’t think he could be a match for a knock-out piano player who could rock the house during a kick-butt worship session. So pat yourself on the back Baby and be that One Less Lonely Girl…:) You win. Hands down.

    1. Ummm…you are my new all-time fav. Forevs.

  8. You are so much fun! And even if The Bieber is a charming dance machine, you’re the one I want at my birthday party. xo

    1. Dear Jeanne,

      Please always be in my corner. ‘Til the end of time. K? Thx.

      Love, Cathy

  9. HopefulLeigh says:

    Cracking up! I would definitely take him the Cooking category as well. And I would challenge him to a dance off. He may know choreography but he doesn’t “feel” the music like I do. Take that, Biebs!

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