An Open Letter to Loud Talkers

October 27, 2011

Dear morons at the table next to me at Wendy’s today,

I am SURE everyone in your general area is as challenged and refreshed by your unique point of view as I am, which is NOT AT ALL.

I don’t know your friend “Gallagher” personally, nor have I seen his Facebook pictures. I am sure you find it amusing he looks like Paul Blart: Mall Cop aka Kevin James, but I am not sure he would share that opinion nor be flattered at this notion. Thanks to your lack of volume control, I now know TOO MUCH about a complete stranger.

If you are going to make crude jokes, at least be creative and original. Do not simply regurgitate some one-liner you got from some stupid movie preview for a movie that NO ONE is going to go see. Unless you wrote it, it ain’t your joke! And you’re not funny! You are nothin’ but a joke stealer! THIEF! (And…it wasn’t even a GOOD joke, at that!)

Granted, you are not as disgusting as the table of guys I once overheard discuss their exploits at a strip club. Those guys made you look like gentlemen, but that’s not saying much. Eww.

As a loud person myself, my advice in general is to, well, be SOMEWHAT INTERESTING FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! If you’re going to be loud, you need to be INTERESTING! THAT IS THE RULE! I DON’T MAKE THE RULES! I am not claiming to be interesting, but I make up for it with personality. I’ve got THAT in spades, my friend. This I know. In fact, some friends and I laughed so hard in a restaurant recently that as we left, the table next to us was cracking up, too. See, you CAN be loud. But you have to be FUNNY. Learn to be funny, then you can be obnoxious all you like.


Jenny Lind


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