Thanksgiving: It's Really About the Pie

Friends, family, dear ones. I submit to you that there is a proper way to consume pie during the Thanksgiving holiday.

PROPER PRONUNCIATION

First, call it what it is: it’s punkin’ pie. Do not say “pumpkin” to me. Ever. Why? Because it is not proper. Now stop arguing with me.

OTHER ACCEPTABLE DESSERTS

Yes, you CAN enjoy other desserts besides the punkin’ pie. For instance, a delicious egg nog cheesecake made by your cousin, Mindy. However, you must have at least a small slice of the punkin’. It is not Thanksgiving unless you’ve had the punkin’ goodness.

UNACCEPTABLE DESSERT CONSUMPTION

Eating something like chocolate chip cookies is a travesty. I mean, really? You can eat those any old day of the year. Don’t be a lamer. Eat the dang pie. And like it.

THE WHIPPED TOPPING TO PIE RATIO

Some experts say my theories on this are controversial, but I stand by it. In my opinion, there is no such thing as too much whipped topping. The topping should cover the top of your slice like snow atop a log cabin in the cold of winter. You should experience the topping in each bite. This is not like adding a dollop of sour cream to a burrito. You must think of the topping as an extension of the dessert itself.

THE TOPPING

I recommend Cool Whip. Canned topping works in a pinch, but nothing replaces the creamy, velvety blanket of deliciousness on my pie.

Thank you for reading my blog. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loves ones!

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Another necessity is the mashed potatoes. A few years ago, my new sister-in-law came for her first Thanksgiving. She decided to make twice-baked potatoes (which were delicious, by the way). So, seeing that someone had already made a potato-ey dish, my mother-in-law decided to skip the mashed potatoes.

    Near the end of passing things around the table, it struck me what was missing from my plate. So I said, “Hey, where’s the mashed potatoes?” There was a long silence, and then my mother-in-law said, “I just figured we already had potatoes…”

    She knew it the moment the words left her lips that a great sin had been committed. Everybody froze and no one knew what to do. Awkward glances were exchanged, mouths agape. Another long silence, followed by a deep collective sigh. How could this be? Could you have Thanksgiving without turkey?!? Would it be Thanksgiving without stuffing…or (perish the thought) punkin’ pie?!?

    How we longed for the creamy (sometimes lumpy) white mounds of sensual starchiness!!! And yet, there was still gravy. What do you put gravy on if there is no mashed potatoes? You can’t make a crater in your turkey and fill it with gravy! It’d just run all over. Same goes for the stuffing…gravy is for potatoes!

    But alas, everyone resigned themselves to eat Thanksgiving dinner sans mashed potatoes.

    At the end of the meal, there sat the gravy boat just brimming with potential. It remained untouched. Those giblets (and whatever else is in that bag of “stuff” from inside the turkey) gave their lives in vain and the gravy was discarded.

    To this day, that is known as the Thanksgiving that just didn’t feel like Thanksgiving…

    1. Nick says:

      In my experience, gravy should never go to waste. It can go on practically anything.

  2. Nick says:

    I loves me some punkin pie! In recent years I have also developed a fondness for pies of the pecan variety. I will usually have at least one slice of each. I find, the best way to eat either is with reckless abandon.

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