On February 27, 1979 I was welcomed into the loving arms of my family and have not shut-up since. That’s right. I am 33 years old, and I am only getting better and louder. Life is amazing, even the difficult parts I wasn’t sure I could survive. I feel like I am just getting started and the best is yet to come.
I love my birthday. Generally, I love the month of February with Valentine’s Day and then my wedding anniversary on the 20th. But my birthday…it takes the cake. No pun intended. Why do I love it so much? No clue. I find most women WANT a big deal but refuse to admit it. I am not that kind of woman. I say what I mean and I say what I want, and when I say I want a cake that looks like a short stack of pancakes, that’s what the man gets! See how that works? I TELL HIM what I want, and he GETS IT.
A few years ago, a friend of mine was all abuzz about her birthday, but she fell victim to her own crazy woman-logic. She wanted to do something for her birthday but told the husband she did not. That is mistake number one.
When I approached the husband and said, “What’s the bday plan? Can I assist you?” He honestly looked like a deer in the headlights. When I shot him a disapproving expression, he said, “WHAT?!” And I said, “Nothin’. Just never had the pleasure of speaking to a DEAD MAN before. DEAD MAN WALKIN”!” He really had no idea he was supposed to come up with a plan. This is mistake number two.
Here are some thoughts I’d like to leave you with this day:
1. Ladies, quit lying to your men and loved ones. Sure, there are a FEW of you in existence who don’t want a big stink (and I do not relate to you at all). Maybe you want a big party. Maybe you just want a quiet dinner. Life should be celebrated. So, make that request known. Sit down with your significant other a couple of months out. Set them up for success. Men are simple creatures, ladies. Set them up for success. They WANT TO give you a special day. Stop making this hard for them. They cannot read your crazy mind!
2. Fellas, women are LIARS. I know. I am so sorry. We cannot help ourselves. We think there are just things you should freaking KNOW by now, but that is not fair to you. So, if we say we don’t want anything, we actually want a parade. If we say we want a quiet night out, you need to find a babysitter for the brats pronto, amigo!
Here’s some ideas/hints for you guys:
– Inspect the womans toes. Do they shimmer with a sparkling hue of red? If not, get her a gift certificate for a pedicure. Better yet, send her and her best girlfriend together. (Coordinate this with said girlfriend.) I also recommend maybe having balloons and/or cupcakes on hand there just to make things a little more festive.
– Has she been complaining of aching back? Get this woman a massage! With a licensed LMT, that is. Don’t be cute. It’s not YOUR birthday.
– That pair of shoes she eyeballs at the mall every time? Look in her closet and check for her correct shoe size. Buy those things.
– Worst case scenario, check her Amazon wish list. Periodically, have her update it. This way, you are never short on ideas.
– Absolutely NO practical gifts like blenders, sewing machines or vacuums. It should be completely impractical. All great gifts are.
– Phone a friend. Ladies love to be in each other’s beeswax. We love arranging special things for each other. Enlist the help of her friends!
For my birthday, I will be at rehearsal for my next show, Red Velvet Cake Wars with Lumiere Players . Oh, and my hubs is taking me out to dinner this weekend and has prezies for me. He’s no dummy. He knows the drill.