Beth posted about Hannah this morning on her blog. Once again, another story of infertility. Why is it this can cause us to feel like lesser women? Do our lives not have purpose outside child rearing? And yet, there is biology involved. There is a cliche biological clock. It’s a real thing.
This story of Hannah took me back 3 years, to Christmas 2013, in Paris. For 2 weeks, I pretended to be a local. Getting my pastries and coffee for breakfast from the same bakery – from the girl with a playboy bunny tattoo who had a great smile. Walking hand in hand with David in the Montmartre area, envisioning Monet, Manet, Picasso & Van Gogh to name a few – in their prime, in this, their stomping grounds. But maybe the greatest moment for me in that trip was when I prayed inside the sacred 800 year old cathedral walls of Notre Dame.
I climbed 300 steps in a narrow staircase to see the view from the roof of Notre Dame. And I saw things from up there that I couldn’t see down below. Statues. Gargoyles. The epic skyline. A crepe stand!
David’s cousin, Jacob, asked David to light a candle for him when we went to Notre Dame. I watched as David lit a small tea light & asked God to bless Jacob. We’re not catholic, but I love this ritual. Suddenly the candles that lit darkened corners were no longer just candles – they were prayers. They represented people. Needs. Hopes. Dreams. Faith in the God who makes the impossible possible.
So, I lit a candle. I closed my eyes and whispered, “Lord, please give us a child.” I fought back the tears as as my lips quivered. Then, my heart pounded with a question from the Lord, “If I never give you children, am I enough for you?” I responded, “Lord, I don’t know. But I want You to be. Because You are more than enough.”
I began a journey from that day forward. A quest to make Him enough. It’s funny when you think about Hannah’s husband, Elkanah, saying in 1 Samuel 1:8 “Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don’t you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don’t I mean more to you than ten sons?”
Elkanah’s trying to “mansplain” this whole issue away. And no, Elkanah, you were not enough. But you know who was & is? GOD.
Dear friend who’s reading this & may be struggling with infertility – you’re not alone. God sees. He hears. He sees the tears inside Notre Dame. The quiet sobs as you pass the baby section at Target. He knows you lied to get out of going to your fifth baby shower this month because you just can’t even. Just know He is enough and miracles come in various disguises & forms sometimes.
My miracle came 5 months later -days before Mother’s Day 2014, in the form of Wyatt & Levi. So, don’t you give up.